Wandering Fairies
by Tsuta-chan
Summary: Previously Dangerous Outtakes, this is now JUST the Wandering Fairies crack AU to my other fic, A Girl's Mind is a Dangerous Place. Basically, the entire main FT Guild cast stuck in the bodies of random shinobi (and their ninken)
1. Ino, Please!

**Summary: Inoichi gets called to the Missions Desk, after a report of unacceptable behavior from his daughter. He expects a fight, a tantrum, perhaps some inappropriate Sasuke-involved situation (where DOES she get that from anyway?). Pretty much anything EXCEPT for THIS. **

* * *

**A/N: So, way back in chapter 1 I promised cracky oneshots that weren't canon to my verse, but involved other Fairy Tail characters in the Naruto world.**

**I am here to tell you. I don't think they'll be one-shots. It's practically become a separate series in my head, with it's own (nowhere near as serious) plot. So. Behold, the first story. Who ends up in Ino's body? Will Inoichi drink himself into a stupor? Will Erza come and kill us all?**

**Well. No Erza in this one.**

**Even if Inoichi really **_**really**_** wishes there was. The poor guy's trying his hardest, really. He's just not equipped for Fairy Tail shenanigans.**

**Anyway, I don't know how regularly I'll write this, since obviously Girl's Mind takes precedence. But I assure you, this is not the only chapter that's going to be in this 'verse, and next time around we get to see what happened to poor Lucy. Who will definitely join Inoichi in drinking herself into the hospital.**

**Please enjoy!**

Inoichi had only just exited Sakura-chan's mindscape, was preparing to send Hatake-san to speak with the Hokage and arrange a meeting, when a chunin messenger comes to tell him his presence is required at the missions desk _immediately_ for a situation involving his daughter. Calling back a quick request for Hatake and Natsu to remain in the room, he rushes off at the heels of the messenger.

Only the knowledge that they would have brought his daughter to the hospital first if she were injured keeps him calm. Even so he barges in without pausing, eyes scanning for the blond hair of his only child.

And freeze.

He blinks, rubs his eyes, looks again, nothing changes. Desperately, he turns to the desks, and Umino Iruka gives him a helpless look in return.

Entirely uncomprehending, Inoichi finds his eyes forcibly dragged back to his daughter, standing with her team, glaring up at her sensei.

His.

His… very naked daughter. Th-that's one of her sandals, there, and that must be her shirt in that poor desk chuunin's arms, the man as stupified as Inoichi himself and-

"I-Ino? Darling? Wh-what are… why… wh-ere are your clothes…?" It's a stupid question, Inoichi knows as soon as he asks it. He can see them, after all, spread to all the corners of the room, he hasn't stuttered like this since he hit puberty but.

His daughter looks up at him, only a vague recognition in her eyes, and his heart _drops_.

"Ino?"

"Yeah, everyone keeps calling me that." He's never heard such a lacksidasial tone from his daughter in all her years, and the meeting with Natsu-kun fresh in his mind he can almost guess what the next words will be.

"I'm Gray Fullbuster, of Fairy Tail! You got any idea how I ended up in this place? Last thing I remember is some crazy dragon trying to blast us to bits, and then we were doin' that Fairy Sphere, and then I was here…"

Ino… Gray, plants one hand on their hip _\- please oh please, let this one be a girl, don't make me deal with a guy running naked in my daughter's body… - _eyes skating over the room as though they might find something familiar if they look long enough.

Inoichi can't deal with this.

No one else looks like _they_ can either.

"Please… Gray-san… put your clothes back on?"

"Huh?" Gray blinks, arm dropping off their hip as they look down. "WHA?! When did that happen? Sorry I- wait, where's my dick?"

He freezes in the act of pulling on Ino's panties, and Inoichi finds himself wishing he'd never got out of bed.

"Gray-san. Please put my _daughter's_ clothes, back on. Now."

"O-oh. Oh shit, sorry, I really do it by habit there was this- not important, finding clothes, I didn't mean to- dammit this is all that idiot's fault I just _know_ it…" He trails off into mumbles, scrambling to assemble all the clothes, and Inoichi closes his eyes. Maybe if he just takes a few minutes and _breathes_…

"There! Pretty sure that's all of them! I mean… she seems too small for a bra? I don't remember one, but I don't really pay attention when I strip, it just happens, does she wear one? I've got no idea how to put one on, but-"

"Please. Stop talking. Now." Inoichi bites out, horror churning in his gut. He turns to the chunin messenger who first alerted him, the man standing in wide-eyed shock. Inoichi might almost laugh, at how easily one stripping pre-teen has shut down the entirety of Konoha's missions desk, but all he really wants to do is cry, scream, and maybe kill someone. Not necessarily in that order.

"Please ask Hatake-san and Haruno-chan to meet me in the Hokage's office." Somehow the words come out level, even, and the chunin nods rapidly before taking off. Inoichi turns back to Gray, to find him half-way through pulling off his shirt.

"Fullbuster-san! Clothes!"

Gray drops his arms as if burned, and apologizes again.

Inoichi… has never wanted a drink so badly in his _life_.

"Come. We will… take this to the Hokage." Inoichi turns and walks away, doesn't look back to see if Gray follows because this was hard enough with Sakura and he. Cannot. Handle this.

Three times in the space between the missions desks and the Hokage's office he hears rustling cloth. Fullbuster apologizes every time, and mutters something about 'Erza and her preternatural senses'.

Natsu-san mentioned that name as well, and Inoichi desperately wishes that whoever that person is, they would show up and _do_ something, because Inoichi is in way over his head here. And both of them seemed suitably terrified…

When he opens the door to the Hokage's office, Hatake-san and Natsu-san are already in there. Natsu-san turns to wave, grinning, only to narrow his eyes sharply.

"You stripper-pervert! Put your shirt back on!" Natsu-san screams suddenly, leaping forward to tackle Gray who-

Is, infact, once again missing his shirt, and _ohkamisama_ there go his shorts, Inoichi's daughter is _naked_ in front of the _Hokage_ and could he _please wake up now, please?_

Natsu-san is strangling Gray-san, and if he doesn't actually listen to what they're saying _(if he doesn't pay attention to his daughter's lack of clothes)_ it looks like pretty much every fight Ino and Sakura have ever had.

Inoichi turns away, looking back to the Hokage. If he doesn't think about it…

"Inoichi-san. Could you explain to me what is going on?"

Inoichi sighs. "The most unusual experimental-jutsu backlash I've ever heard of, Hokage-sama. I… do not know where to start. I was called in a little over an hour ago, when Hatake-san said that one of his students was insisting they were a different person. Having mindwalked Sakura-chan, I… conclusively proved that she is currently possessed by Natsu-san, who was entirely honest in his claims of this as an accident. I believed this to be an isolated incident, and was preparing to inform you, when I was called to the missions desk for a similar case with my own daughter… I am afraid there is currently no safe way to revert Sakura-chan, without unduly risking her life, and while the situation might be different for my own daughter… I am afraid I have no idea how many people may find themselves suddenly afflicted."

"There were only twenty-three of us in the exam, 'nless one of the bad guys was still on the island when everything blew up." Natsu-san interjects brightly, and Inoichi turns to see him struggling to pin down Ino-

Taking a deep breath, Inoichi looks away.

His daughter is still naked.

He is Not. Dealing. With this.

"At least twenty-one other people likely to be possessed then, though whether all of them will be in Konoha or spread across the Elemental Nations is… hard to say."

"I see…" The Hokage's eyes narrow, and he puffs on his pipe. "What are your names?"

"Huh? Oh, I'm Natsu Dragneel! This pervert is Gray Fullbuster, and I hate to say it but his stripping habits really _are_ subconscious - so please don't kill him, but if you wanna strangle him a bit I can hold him down for you, Inoichi-san!"

Inoichi doesn't turn around. The slight widening of Hokage-sama's eyes tells him he doesn't want to see what provocative position the two have ended up in.

Inoichi swears he sees a droplet of red.

He deliberately _does not_ think about it. Shinobi morals may be loose, but he will not _think such things about his Hokage, for he is surely mistaken_.

"If I may, Hokage-sama," Hatake-san interjects, and Inoichi closes his eyes in relief, "Perhaps we should take some time to trawl the village, see how many others we can find displaying unusual behavior so that we might at least census the ones who have been the victim of this… jutsu-backlash."

"Very well. Inoichi-san, perhaps you would like to take… Natsu-san and Gray-san to your house for a time, until we can settle this?"

Inoichi sighs, shoulders sagging. He expected this, but part of him really wishes, undeserved or not, that they could just throw the two in T&I, perhaps get Fullbuster in a straight-jacket until everything sorts itself out-

"Very well, Hokage-sama. Fullbuster, you had better have your clothes on by the time I turn around."

He hears a squeak, and a laugh, and has _no honest idea_ how he's going to explain this to his wife.

Even worse.

How he's going to explain it to _Ino_, when he mindwalks her.

_And today started off so __**nicely**_.

Inoichi has the unpleasant feeling that this isn't going to be the quick and easy solution everyone is undoubtedly hoping for.

Perhaps Ibiki would be willing to part with his latest toy, Mizuki was it? For just a few hours, Inoichi won't even break him _much_, cross his heart and hope to die.

"Oi you _just_ put that shirt on, don't take it off again!"

"Ack! Sorry, sorry, shit why is this so _hard_?!"

Ah.

A new record.

Inoichi's eyes are _literally_ leaking tears.

Iwa's best torture specialists took two weeks to get to this point.

Inoichi would like to go back to bed, _and not wake up until this is fixed, someone please._

Somehow, somewhere, Inoichi gets the feeling the Kami-sama are laughing at him. Turning around, he grabs Natsu and Gray's hands.

You can't strip your shirt when someone's holding your hand? Right?

Half-way home, Gray-san is in nothing but panties, and Inoichi doesn't even know when it happened.

_This day. Cannot. Get any worse._

_Ino, please. Please don't kill your father when this is over._


	2. Oh No No No No

**A/N: So here it is, the introduction of Lucy into Wandering Fairies! Really should be writing chapter 16 of Girl's Mind, but my brain doesn't want to plot right now. It might be delayed, unless I **_**really**_** pull out a miracle. Especially since my brain still wants to write Erza and Happy's intros to this 'verse too. Hopefully Lucy isn't OOC here, Wandering Fairies isn't beta'd so any issues here are all on me.**

**Anyway, please make sure to feel sorry for our favorite Celestial mage, because she really doesn't deserve this.**

**Warning for one f-bomb dropped near the very end, for anyone who actually cares about that sort of thing.**

**Thanks for reading!**

Lucy groans, a headache throbbing between her temples in time with the loud pounding that echoes through the room.

"Whuaaaaa?"

She pushes herself off the floor, and blearily stumbles her way down the hall.

_Something seems fishy_, she muses, confused, as she pulls open the door.

It opens to a dirt road, lined with houses, and a man in a strange outfit whose fist is raised for another knock.

"Ah, Haruno-san. I'm here to inform you and your husband that your daughter was admitted to the hospital just a bit ago after passing out during team exercises. Please head over at your earliest convenience."

The man disappears in a flurry of leaves, and Lucy finds herself staring out at the road, mouth gaped open.

"Wh-wait come back here!" She stumbles down the steps of the porch, but the strange man doesn't reappear and no matter where she looks, she can't find where he disappeared to.

"S-since when… did I get _married_?!"

Lucy glares, hands on hips, and tries to remember what happened.

_...There was… the S-Class exam? I was helping Cana, and then we were attacked. A-and… that huge dragon? We cast Fairy Sphere to protect ourselves but I don't remember anything after that._

_So when did I get married?! I don't even know any guys named Haruno! Is this some sort of stupid dream?!_

Lucy pinches herself, feels her nails dig into the flesh of her arm even through the sweater that she _really_ doesn't remember wearing.

"Pretty sure… I'm not dreaming." she mutters at the flare of pain that lances up her arm from the harsh pinch. She turns and walks back into the house, eyes narrowed at the unfamiliar layout that she really should have noticed before.

_I did wake up on the ground… maybe I hit my head? And now I've forgotten everything? I should probably go to the hospital to get _myself_ checked out if that's the case. Shoes, shoes, where're- Ah!_

Lucy brushes the dirt off her feet as best she can, then slips quickly into the brown sandals set in the entranceway. It takes a moment to find the keys to the house, further up the hallway and set on a small table, and once she has them Lucy quickly leaves, locking the door behind her.

By the time she makes it to the end of the street, though, Lucy realizes she has no idea where the hospital is.

_Why would I move away from Magnolia? All my friends are there… but there's no way this is the same city!_

Eyes narrowed, Lucy tries to ignore the pounding in her skull as she looks around. "Hospitals are normally located near the center of the city, right? So maybe towards that large tower…"

Lucy's pretty sure she got turned around somehow, the streets of this city laid out so _oddly_, her head hurting more than ever, and she's nearly at the point of asking someone for directions when she sees a flash of pink down another street.

_Natsu?_

She breaks into a jog, headache forgotten as she slips down the side-alley and into the next street over, looking desperately for that flash of pink hair-

Down to the right, facing away from her, a pink-haired girl is rolling on the ground, laughing herself sick and pointing at a blond girl who's standing almost naked in the street. An older man with long blond hair has his face buried in his hands, and Lucy can practically feel his desperation.

The blond girl is looking around frantically, and Lucy's spent enough time around Gray to be able to recognize "Oh shit where are my clothes!?" when she sees it. She glances around herself, finds a shirt and pair of sandals a bit away, and scoops them up. The blond girl is slipping into a pair of shorts when she walks up, and Lucy hands over the rest with a smile. "Here, I think these are yours?"

The older man lifts his face from his hands and looks at her. His shoulders relax minutely as he meets her eyes. "Oh, Haruno-san. Apologies, I should have left someone at the hospital to tell you we were heading to my house. I hope you didn't go too far out of your way."

Lucy stares at the man, then turns to look at the two girls.

The blond's words imply that one of them is her daughter and…

Nope.

Nope.

Absolutely not.

Lucy looks back at the older man and offers him a smile. "It's alright, I hadn't actually made it to the hospital yet… I saw you all walking, and changed direction."

His shoulders relax a bit more. "Well, you can come with us to my house, and I'll explain everything once we get there. Shall we?"

Lucy nods, falling into step with him as they continue walking. Months of longsuffering practice with her team have made Lucy quite adept at ignoring the pink-haired girl's shout of "Clothes!" and the blond's resultant scrambling.

Distantly, the Celestial mage wonders why she would _ever_ let her daughter train as Gray's apprentice.

Somehow, it just seems safer to think of that than it is to wonder how on earth _Natsu_ managed to settle down enough to have a kid of his own. Lucy tries not to wonder too much about who the mother is.

The blond haired man stops and opens the door to a flower shop, holding it with a somewhat strained smile. "Just head through to the back, please."

"Finally!"

The blond man squawks, and she hears Natsu's daughter start laughing again. _I feel bad for whatever poor woman married him, that girl definitely takes after her father!_

"Please, _please_ put your clothes back on!"

Lucy keeps walking, straight through the shop and then through the door behind the counter, offering a nod to the younger blond working at the register. He doesn't even seem to notice, eyes trained on the spectacle taking place in the entrance.

Apparently, her… daughter doesn't visit this place much. Or maybe he's new here.

Lucy swipes a pillow off the couch in the back room, presses it to her face, and screams.

"Are you alright, Haruno-san?"

Lucy has woken up in an unfamiliar house, in an unfamiliar city, with total amnesia, a daughter who's inherited the worst of Gray's stripping habit, and a headache the size of the Magnolia _Cathedral._ She doesn't have her spirits on her, didn't even think to look for them in her initial confusion after the message, has a _husband_ she knows nothing about-

Taking a deep breath, the Celestial mage turns and sits down, pillow resting in her lap. She tries to offer a reassuring smile to the other man. "I'm fine. Would you mind explaining,"

Lucy can't actually bring herself to say 'my daughter'. Her mouth clicks shut, sentence cut off, as her fingers tighten around the edges of the pillow.

She has a _daughter_. The reality still hasn't sunk in, and Lucy can't bring herself to say it out loud. That would make it real. Too real.

Thankfully, the blond man simply sits across from her, glares at the two girls until _they_ sit down too, and then starts to explain.

"I… would like to apologize first, Haruno-san. A situation has occurred that is beyond our control, and your daughter has been swept up in it. As I understand, twenty-three people were taking part in an exam when they were suddenly attacked. An experimental defensive technique was used to protect themselves, and it resulted in… well." The man shifts, clearly looking for a way to phrase something.

_Wasn't there… yeah, there were twenty-three of us from Fairy Tail there. I don't… _

The blond man sighs, forearms draped across his legs as he leans forward. "There is no easy way to say this, Haruno-san. But it seems the souls of those twenty-three people have ended up possessing the bodies of random citizens and your daughter is currently… not in control of herself. I- my own daughter, also…"

The man trails off, and Lucy finds herself being overwhelmed with relief.

"Oh thank _everything_," she breathes, sagging back into the couch. The man straightens up, alarmed, but Lucy can't even bring herself to care just yet, hysterical laughter bubbling up her throat. "I-I thought… I thought I'd forgotten getting married and having a kid! I thought I had amnesia, that I'd hit my head and forgotten my entire life from after that attack, all I could think about was why I'd let my daughter apprentice under _Gray _of all people, but I didn't, I don't have a daughter, I don't…!" laughing in relief, Lucy slides off the couch and hits the floor, hugging her pillow and trying to breathe around the laughter that she can't quite stop.

Someone tackles her from the side, and Lucy tips over. The pink-haired girl - _oh, not Natsu's daughter, but… Natsu as a girl? - _sits atop her, grinning.

"Lucy! I wondered if it was you! You still smell like yourself! Gray doesn't, he just smells like flowers, it's enough to make me _sneeze_, sheesh he _reeks_-"

"What was that you flame-brained idiot-!"

Lucy chokes as Gray jumps atop Natsu who's _still sitting on her_, the pinkette overbalancing and he smashes his elbow into her face, her headache exploding twice as fiercely at the contact.

Lucy snarls, braces her arm under herself and pushes up suddenly, the two rivals going sprawling as she stands. She stumbles a step, shakes her head, then straightens.

_That was… easier than expected._

Natsu laughs, pushing himself up, long pink hair draping over his shoulders, bright green eyes glinting between the bangs that have fallen into his face. Lucy can't quite tell if it's adorable or horrifying, as it slowly dawns on her that Natsu and Gray are stuck in the bodies of _twelve-year-old girls_. One of whom is apparently the daughter of whoever's body _she_ herself is possessing.

Considering the similarities between the blond girl and the older man, Lucy is quickly coming to a rather nightmarish realization.

"Oh my god… I'm Natsu's legal mother right now."

"Huh?" Natsu tilts his head in confusion, as Gray starts smothering laughter into his hands off to the side. Lucy feels like her body is made of rusty hinges as she painstakingly turns to look at the blond man watching her from his own seat. Lucy can't read his face, can't really tell what he's feeling or thinking, but she knows she's right. Whoever that pink-haired girl is, whoever's body she herself is possessing, they're mother and daughter.

The realization is like a slap in the face, the room spinning wildly as it dawns on her.

"Fuck. I'm Natsu's _mom_."

It's almost a mercy when she passes out. Distantly, as black spots overtake her vision and she collapses to the ground, Lucy hopes this is just a very _very_ trippy nightmare.

Strong arms catch her, someone shouts, "Lucy!" in the background, and the Celestial mage closes her eyes, desperately praying she'll wake up in her own apartment when she opens them again.


	3. Like Cats And?

**A/N: Here it is, the third installment of Wandering Fairies! A bit of Happy, a bit of Erza, and more Zeref and Kiba than I expected!**

**Originally it was gonna be Zeref stuck in Itachi's body, and I had a whole dialogue planned, and Zeref and Itachi would be able to trade control because of Sharingan shenanigans, but AllHailProHeroThirteen04102016 mentioned in a review having Zeref possessing Kiba and now I can't NOT have Zeref possessing Kiba because it just fits so well-! So credit to them for this!**

**There might be a standalone one-shot of my original Zeref-in-Itachi idea, because I AM still fond if it, but this just worked too well…**

"I'm sorry- _how_ long did you say he's been unconscious? And you didn't take him to the hopsital?"

"I know how it looks, Yamanaka-sama, but… when he first passed out, I tried to catch him so he didn't hurt himself falling, and his chakra _lashed out_. It burnt my hand a little, and that shouldn't be _possible_ for anyone exc- except the Kyuubi jinchurikki… I had Hinata-chan keep an eye on his chakra with her byakugan, it… felt safer than trying to move him."

"And it was only an hour ago that he showed any unusual behavior? Nothing from the past five hours?"

"No."

"A-ah! I-I'm s-sorry, but sensei… Akamaru-kun…"

"That's true. About five hours ago, something seemed a little off about Akamaru, he was unusually poorly coordinated, but Kiba calmed him down and then he was back to normal…"

A dog whines, somewhere off to the right.

"What's happened to my student, Yamanaka-sama?"

The so-named Yamanaka sighs. "You aren't going to like it, Kurenai-san." A slight pause, before he continues, "There seems to have been… an unprecedented jutsu backlash. A group of people from the outer continent attempted to combine their chakra for a defensive jutsu, that seems to have thrown their souls not only out of their bodies, but half-way around the world. A few other people have shown signs of possession, including my own daughter… there should be no more than twenty-three, the Hokage is trying to gather a census - see how many are in the village, how many might have ended up in _other_ villages… but so far, all the cases happened at the same time. That Kiba-kun would only show odd behavior _now_… it makes him an outlier to the pattern."

He's _pretty_ sure someone's confused here, and it's not him.

They didn't get thrown to the other side of the planet, he knows inter-dimensional magic better than his own body, these days.

But, judging by those words…

_If they think the only ones who got pulled through are the ones who cast Fairy Sphere, then… they don't know…_

His thoughts escape him as a dog whines, much closer this time, nudging his hand. He flinches, desperately pulling all his essence tight, pulling away, _I don't want to hurt you-!_

Suddenly, he's hunching over himself, arms tightly wrapped around his own torso, in the middle of what appears to be a house.

"Dude, are you seriously scared of _dogs_?" He jerks his head up, already backing away, and takes in the sight of the twelve-year-old boy sprawled across a rug, grinning wildly.

He takes a deep breath, uncurling to face the child head-on. "You are…?"

"Inuzuka Kiba! So, you gotta tell me, what sort of kick-ass enemy were you fightin, pretty-boy, that got you thrown all the way over here!"

He blinks, taken aback.

No one really comments on his appearance, anymore…

_A hundred long, lonely years, a company of ghosts, and he's not sure whether it hurt more to have them there than it would to have nothing…_

"A… dragon?" He answers more as a question, because he wasn't in the fight, and he's still not sure why the magic took him too, but he knows it was Acnologia's power that struck out at Fairy Tail and started this unusual mess.

The boy chokes on his own saliva, scrambling to his feet.

"Wait-wait-wait-wait-WAIT! A Primordial? You're kidding?! That's insane!"

The boy, Kiba, points, mouth gaped, completely awed and perhaps somewhat terrified.

That, at least, is a more familiar emotion. He shrugs.

"Killing him is beyond my power, but surviving his attacks is only ever more inconvenient than anything…" He has no idea what kind of world this is, what 'Primordials' are and why a dragon such as Acnologia was mistaken for one, but… The longer he spends in the boy's (_Kiba's_) mind, the more he begins to realize that something is wrong with his magic.

No.

Not wrong.

_Missing_.

As the bo- Kiba splutters in disbelieving awe behind him, he turns away and focuses, following the threads of power, magic unrestrained and flowing between the crevasses of this mind.

The boy has long-since stopped freaking out, and has been trying to ineffectually get his attention for quite a while, by the time he realizes -

He's lived so long with this mad curse on his soul -

He'd forgotten what his magic felt like without it.

He-

How-

Wha-

_Mavis-?_

_Is this… your doing?_

Bright, childish laughter, and the boy lets go of him, spinning around to look for the source - _he was touching me, he was __**touching me**__-!_, but Zeref pulls himself deeper, away, because this-

_There was a dog-?_

No-

This-

He needs- just a moment. He can't-

Not yet-

He grabs at threads of energy, his own magic and something distinctly _wild_, not in the way of uncontrollable curses but more in the way of nature, of life and beast and the strength of survival, and pushes the boy to the forefront, because-

He needs… a moment. Or two. Or ten.

Because the curse is _gone_ and he just… needs to process.

The boy yelps, but Zeref doesn't care, pulling himself deeper, until he knows his thoughts and feelings are far enough away-

And he breathes.

* * *

_Who knew getting shoved into control of your own body could __**hurt**__ so much?_

Kiba groans, and finds both Akamaru and Hinata on him in an instant.

"I'm okay guys, promise. The creepy pale kid ran off and hid in some corner of my head or something after some creepy girl voice started laughing, like I'm not kidding, it's classic horror story material in there!"

He pushes himself into a sitting position with one arm, the other coming around to cradle Akamaru.

Yamanaka Inoichi gently but urgently pushes Hinata to the side, looking at him intensely.

"Wait. You mean to say that- by some manner, he was able to give you control back?"

"Yeah? I can still feel him, a little, but he feels like he's trying really hard not to touch me… I dunno, he's sorta weird? But totally harmless, all he did was like, brag a bit and then hide, really."

If Inoichi were anything less than a clan head and master shinobi, Kiba gets the feeling he'd be gaping.

"I have personally mind-walked everyone we've found to be possessed… all of them have been forcibly trapped in their own minds, unable to take control even when the possessing spirit _wanted_ them to. Why- you didn't react until later, after all the others as well… something is different about you, Kiba-kun. About what happened to you, compared to the others. Perhaps if we figured out what was different, we could reverse this-"

Inoichi keeps speaking, but Kiba loses track, as pretty-boy's voice starts thinking at him. Or speaking to him? But it just sounds like him thinking, except in pretty-boy's voice so-

_It won't work._

"Wha?"

_It is not so much that I am an outlier as it is that I was just more capable of fighting the power that tried to throw us here. I… fought for longer against the spell, and so my soul took longer to arrive. I was aware of the power influencing my spirit, the others… heh. Not many were likely even capable of sensing what was happening to them._

"-ba-kun! Kiba-kun, are you listening to me?"

Pretty boy's voice and even presence fade, slipping away back to some far corner of his mind, and _ugh_ why did Kiba have to get stuck with some sort of Sasuke-esque genius lurking in the back of his mind? Only geniuses speak of 'influencing spirits' and 'outliers'.

Inoichi calls him again, and Kiba shakes off the thoughts. "Yeah yeah, I'm listenin'. Pretty boy had some stuff to say about your idea, mostly that it was crap, but he's gone again. Or like. Mostly gone I guess. Since clearly he can hear us. Ugh, and here I thought my _mom_ didn't give me enough privacy." Kiba flops back into the grass, groaning.

"What exactly did he say, Kiba-kun?" Inoichi asks, voice measured but not quite hiding the undertones of anticipation. Kiba makes a half-hearted attempt at a shrug.

"Something about how he's not an outlier, just stronger than the others, cause he managed to fight the… I dunno, he used the word 'magic' like from the old clan stories, but maybe he just meant chakra or energy… He just said it took longer for him to show up cause he fought for longer, and he made it sound like that was why we're like this instead of having me trapped like you said the others were…"

"I… see… if the two of you are fine for now, I'd like to finish up with the census, and see how many others are here in Konoha… then perhaps I will return to mindwalk and speak with both of you together?"

Kiba flops a hand at him. "Sure thing! Like I said, he feels totally harmless, we'll be good for a while, I got Akamaru with me!"

Akamaru yips brightly, pouncing on Kiba's chest, and in the back of his mind, he feels Pretty Boy pull even _further_ away.

_Sheesh, what is __**up**__ with that guy? Akamaru's the best!_

* * *

Happy… really has no idea what happened. One minute, they were all standing together, trying to save themselves from that dragon's attack, and the next…

_I'm a dog!_

He's still not quite over it.

He and… Akamaru… managed to come to an agreement, he could have his body back at least until Happy found his friends… and then Akamaru would let him talk to them, but…

He doesn't smell any second scent on Akamaru's partner.

_Kiba smells like Kiba_, is all Akamaru has to say about it, but clearly _someone_ is in there, only he doesn't know who…

Akamaru's partner called him Pretty Boy, so maybe Freed…?

_Is Gajeel pretty? He has lots of fur… Elfman has pretty sisters, but no one says he's pretty, right? Ayeeeeeeeee…._

Happy is a talking cat, but he's never quite managed to fully understand human definitions of pretty, so he really has no clue which boy Kiba means!

He knows it can't be Natsu though, because Happy's pretty sure that if Natsu were actually able to fight the spell that dragged them there, he'd have successfully broken it. It's just the kinda guy Natsu is, really. Happy knows that if his partner fights something, especially something that isn't even alive, like a spell effect, that it never really manages to hold out…

He can practically feel the sweat-drops at the thought.

Well. Really, all he has to do is stick with Kiba and the person with Kiba, and he'll find Natsu soon enough.

Which is a good thing, because he gets the feeling he'd have to fight Akamaru to do anything else…

* * *

The sand cuts like a hundred thousand shards of glass, slicing flesh to ribbons indiscriminately. There's no armor here, in this strange half-world, and the lack of it almost makes Erza feel more naked than the lack of clothes (though she lacks those too, torn apart by the merciless storm). Even though the armor isn't there, the magic _is_, and she holds it before herself, calling up every dredge as a shield against the raging storm around her.

Far above her head, a demon howls. Even the might of Lullaby is nothing to this monstrosity of sand and wind and _madness_, but Erza can see the glint of half-buried chains in the desert, and she knows this enemy is already half-defeated before her.

She just needs an opening.

It comes in a quieting of the wind, as the mad beast cackles, calling out to her in mocking tones.

Foolish creature.

Even without a blade, her raw power is something even Natsu can't shrug off so easily, and it _slams_ into the demon before her, causing it to howl again, far more painfully. She lunges forward, desperately closes her fingers around lengths of buried chain, dragging them up from the sand, and pouring her remaining magic into them. Carefully, she envisions her power strengthening them, feels out the already-present enchantments and gives them her power.

The demon howls in fury, and claws tear down her spine, causing her to fall to her knees, but she doesn't let go of the chain, curling it between her fingers and providing every drop of power she can spare.

Slowly, the demon retreats. Pulled away forcibly by chains that slowly regain their form, no longer eroded away by raging desert winds, and then begin to glow… the sand lashes out at them, and Erza feels the demon's power scrape against her own, but… whatever has happened, to trap her here with this creature, she knows it will take longer for the demon to wear down the enchantment on the chains than it will for her power to recover, as long as she gets a chance to properly rest.

She can keep it trapped, at least until she finds out what happened to her swords, so that she might put an end to the beast.

Exhaustion clings to all her limbs as she stumbles to her feet, chain slipping out between her fingers to thud softly against the ground. The demon rages, but while she feels its power against her own, the chains do not break, and so she turns away, planning to explore this strange half-land.

A tiny child stands in front of her, and she steps back on instinct. He blinks up at her with pale green eyes, red hair a riot of spikes around his head that make her think of Natsu, just a bit. He glares, and speaks with a voice that is soft and dangerous.

"What have you done to mother?"

Erza blinks, half-turning to glance between the red-haired boy and the demon screaming insults and curses behind her.

"Your mother?" she can't help but ask, and the boy snarls at her.

"What have you done to mother?!"

Erza isn't really sure what possesses her to do it, between a demon and a child who can't be older than twelve- she steps forward, wrapping the boy in a hug, hiding his face from the monster behind them.

"I'm your mother now. That demon holds no sway over you."

The words come out near-unthinkingly, as she brings her hands up to cover the child's ears against the monster's profanities, holding him tight to her and just wanting to _take him away from this place-_

In the space between blinks, they move from the howling desert and the demon within, to a cake cafe that Erza knows almost better than the guild hall (if only because Natsu keeps blowing it up and making them remodel…), and she finds herself clothed in a casual outfit that she's pretty sure she's only worn once in her life, but… she's not sure what this half-world is, with its demons and interference with her Requip, so…

Shrugging off the confusion at her sudden outfit, she steps back slightly, hands framing the face of the boy in front of her. He stares, something Erza can't quite read in his eyes.

"Mother…?"

Erza curses every impulsive decision she's ever made that lead her to say that to him, but the boy looks so _desperate_, and, well… Better her than the demon, she thinks, shoving aside her doubts to nod resolutely.

"Of course," she scrambles for the boy's name, because this is a world that _isn't_, and if she can teleport from a desert to a cake house, she can _know a boy's name_, and it comes to her in a flash, as though it were just waiting for her to ask, "Gaara. I promise, I won't let that monster hurt you."

She'll have to experiment with her ability to move around this strange world, make sure she can get back to that desert easily to check on the chains, find out where her weapons are hiding or where she can get more if they're gone… and once she's killed that monster for good, once she knows this child is safe, she'll find her family.

It shouldn't take too long, really.

The demon may be powerful, but it's already bound by someone else's magic and doesn't seem to have half the tricks Zeref's can.

Get a sword, smash it to bits, and go back to her family.

Though, if the kid really doesn't have anyone other than a demon to look out for him…

She offers him a considering look, as he stares up at her with something so painfully close to adoration that she doesn't know quite what to do with it.

Ah well.

There are plenty of parents in the guild, and Wendy's about his age, right…?

It'll all work out somehow.

Distantly, she can hear shrieking echo through the walls.

First things first.

Spinning around, she strides toward the counter.

There's no shopkeep, but whatever strange world this is, cake is cake.

And she will beat that demon to death _with her fists_ before she passes up on a slice of cake when it's right in front of her.

After a moment of hesitation, she grabs a second one, and holds it out to Gaara.

"Would you like some cake?"

She does her best to smile, because in a strange world like this, she gets the feeling he's never had any, and she can share, just this once…

Hiding the pain deep in her heart, she sets the cake before him and scrounges up some utensils to eat with.

He takes his first bite, eyes widening with surprise, and Erza's smile becomes something a bit more genuine.

Right up until he speaks.

"You're… sharing your memories with me?"


	4. Demons and Monsters

**A/N: Gaara's probably OOC a little.  
I shouldn't have tried his POV.  
But oh well! This is crack so if they're a little off-character that's okay! Right?  
Right.**

**(me, calling this crack when the only thing approaching real humor in this particular chapter is the very last sentence)**

**It's okay, that's Happy's job, right? Comic-relief side-kick!  
Ehehehe...  
Thanks for reading!**

**Girl's Mind will be updated tonight!**

She looks so much like him. Her scarlet hair whips about her body, driven by the merciless wind and desert sands of his mind, of Mother's domain, and she acts as though she barely notices, standing tall and lashing out with enough raw power to affect even a Biju.

And then she darts forward, grabbing the chains of the ineffective half-seal his father tried to use, the one Karura supposedly gave her life to try and reinforce, and _repairs them _.

It shouldn't be possible, Gaara knows. Many of his father's men tried, in order to _fix _him before, and none of them succeeded.

So when the strange woman turns around and says she's his mother, how can he think otherwise?

He's never seen pictures of Karura, and the demon always said it devoured his mother's spirit, that they became one, and now-

Did his mother get free of the monster? Finally come to help him?

He doesn't know.

But she's warm, and soft, and she's _strong _.

And then she takes him from his mind to her own, a happy room full of foreign sweets like the ones his uncle would sneak to him before-

His mother turns to bustle about the room, and offers him one of the sweets with a smile.

He hesitates a moment, then picks up the strange eating utensil, copying his mother as she takes a bite.

.

"_What's this?" _

"_You've never had a cake before?" the boy with spiky black hair gapes for a moment, then pushes it closer. "It's a tradition! The anniversary of the day you joined us, we make cake! You get to eat the first slice! Go on! Try it!" _

_She hesitates, wondering if she's going to get in trouble - it's fancy, and the slaves only get scraps but- _

_She's not a slave anymore. Right? _

_She stabs down hard enough to crack the plate and shoves the bite into her mouth before she can second-guess herself. _

_It's sweet. A fruit, strawberry, right? Gray said they decided on that one because strawberries were red like her hair and they didn't know her favorites so- _

_It's sweet. _

_She scrubs at her eye before they can see the tears. _

_._

Gaara nearly drops the fork in surprise. He should have realized, this is her _mind _but he never thought-

"You're… sharing your memories with me?" He stares at the woman - his mother? Except none of those people in the memory looked like his father, and no one ever said anything about Karura being a _slave _, she'd just been a Suna kunoichi, right?

Her smile turns stiff for a moment, before softening into something almost sad.

"All children deserve happy memories." Is all she says, and then goes back to eating her own cake like nothing's wrong.

Like she isn't-

Like she-

Gaara's hand trembles, and he forces it to still.

He thinks this woman might not be Karura.

No shinobi would ever be so kind.

He eats the cake, slowly, because the memory is almost overwhelming. A long day of happiness and celebration, a party and friends and _family _even if they aren't blood.

Is that what she meant?

Was she asking Gaara to be a part of her family? Even though they're nothing to each other?

When he felt someone in his mind - someone who wasn't Mother, someone who was _hurting _Mother this-

Isn't what he expected.

Is he… supposed to report this?

* * *

"How… _unexpected _."

The man with snake-slit eyes paces a circle around her, and Mirajane smiles sweetly.

"I'm sorry for intruding! I don't suppose you happen to know where I am?"

The snake-eyed man's grin widens, eyes glinting with malice. "Ooh~? Nowhere important, child, never you mind."

Mirajane's smile becomes a bit more fixed on her face.

Her arm throbs.

_So __**that's**__how it's going to be, ne? _

The space around them begins to shift, and Mira tracks it with a sharp eye, most of her attention on the still-circling man.

She has a precious family to return to.

She's not afraid to fight.

* * *

Juvia doesn't know where she is. Gray-sama is nowhere to be found, she's all alone on some dusty road she doesn't think she's seen before.

Her clothes are weird, Juvia thinks. She wasn't wearing something like this before. Her hands are shaped differently too, and she thinks they maybe look like a boy's.

Juvia is very confused.

But her body is still made of water, and her Gray-sama is still out there, somewhere. He _has _to be. Juvia just needs to find him.

And maybe he'll be trapped, so she'll rescue him, and he'll definitely fall in love with Juvia!

Now, which way to go…?

* * *

"C'mon, it's Akamaru, he's not gonna bite! You're hurting his feelings!" Kiba goads. Akamaru whines in pretense, snuggling into Kiba's hand.

Pretty Boy pulls even further away, like if he buried himself in the depths of Kiba's mind he could escape the puppy.

"I can't believe I got stuck with someone who doesn't like dogs, this is the _worst _."

"M-maybe… he's sc-scared of whoever's s-stuck inside Akamaru-k-kun?" Hinata stutters, twisting her fingers together.

Pretty Boy scoffs in disbelief.

"I think that's a no, Hinata-chan. But that's a good point! Who _do _you have with you, buddy?" Kiba asks his partner. Akamaru yaps.

"A CAT?!"

_Ah. There was a cat with Natsu, back then… _

"There's a _cat _in my _dog _ Pretty Boy, show some concern! That's like- like sticking Yondaime-sama in the body of an Iwa-nin you just don't _do _that! Akamaru, buddy, are you okay?!"

Akamaru yips reassuringly, and Kiba's shoulders droop. "Alright buddy. If you're sure. Don't let that cat bully you, alright? Good."

"Could it possibly be a nin-cat as the Uchiha used to summon?" Shino asks, crouching next to Akamaru. Kiba scrunches his nose in disgust.

"Pretty Boy's got the black hair/black eyes deal going on I guess… but he doesn't really look like the clan otherwise. He did say the cat was with someone named Natsu, so maybe them?"

* * *

_Ah! _Happy drops one paw into the other, like Natsu sometimes does. _It's actually Gray! _


End file.
